In need of a translator

I'm in need of a translator. Someone who can translate boy talk into girl talk and boy actions into girls actions. Or maybe I just need a boy to girl/girl to boy dictionary. When he says this, it means this. When he does that, it means that. Does such a thing even exist? 
Seriously, how do people ever get married? I think I've asked this in a previous post, but still wonder about it. It seems so freaking impossible because I have no clue what guys mean when they do or say stuff. It's like I'm in a foreign country, but stranded without a language dictionary. I can't even ask where the bathroom is or figure out how to ask for schnitzel. 
One of my friends says I'm totally oblivious. We went to a Halloween party together (still need to post pictures of that) and met a few guys. According to her, they were all into me. I thought they liked her! I wondered why she didn't get their numbers. She didn't ask them because (she says) they weren't interested in her. Coulda fooled me! I had no clue what was going on. 
Somebody needs to be a professional translator for me. Otherwise, I don't stand a chance.