Random Thoughts

This post is going to make no sense whatsoever. You were forewarned.

Sometimes my prayers are like fast food drive-thru orders. I tell the Lord what I want, drive to the window, and pay for whatever goods get handed to me. Sometimes I order something really good, but it doesn't taste that great. Sometimes I order something I've never tried and end up loving it. And sometimes my order comes out entirely wrong, which is not always entirely bad. Either way, I didn't put much thought into what I ordered, but I'm counting on the other end to deliver, even during the lunch rush.

Sometimes "what if" questions make my head hurt. For instance, what if the reason I'm not married is because the Lord knows what a terrible wife and mother I will be? And if that's the case, why doesn't He just tell me that? I could deal with it. Really. Maybe it's because I'm talking to Him in fast food order form. What if somewhere in the past I took a completely wrong turn and I'm now playing left field instead of center or shortstop? What if I was meant to do something great in life, but don't ever get around to doing it? What if I was unintentionally mean to someone and it ruined their life? Great. Now my head is hurting.

Sometimes I live in fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of life. Fear of death. Fear of rejection. Fear of love. Fear of age. Fear of change. Fear is the opposite of faith. Does that mean I'm not faithful? I sure hope a lot, and I'm very obedient, but those are different than faith. How do you know if you're faithful? And if you're not faithful, how do you become faithful?

Sometimes I wish technology didn't exist. But then I get an email or a text from someone I really, really like and I realize, "Hey, technology is fabulous!" And it is nice to have indoor flushing toilets and lights that work when it's dark outside. And I do really like having a car to drive and a computer to use for school.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing still and the world is whirling out of control around me. Today is one of those days, and it's very confusing. It's like standing on the outside looking in, but you can't control anything that happens. All you can do is watch the horror unfold. It's like watching a film in slow motion. You know what's coming, but you can't stop it, so you let the movie continue to play even though you know there's potential wreckage in the next slow motion scene.

Sometimes my brain won't shut off and I have completely random thoughts. Sometimes my brain has spillage and those random thoughts end up in a blog post that is time-sucking and completely worthless. If you read this post, I'm sorry I can't give you back the last few minutes of your life. If it's any consolation, I lost more than a few minutes posting this blog.